In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
