I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
