It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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