The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
