as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
