Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
