1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
