I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
