I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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