there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
