textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
