all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
