Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
