Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
