OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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