one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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