shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
