I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
