Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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