Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
