when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need a beard to bite.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
