when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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