literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
