I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
