it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
