I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
