I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
