i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize