Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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