When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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