i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
