We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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