I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
