In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize