matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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