Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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