I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
