2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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