New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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