I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
