if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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