I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
