i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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