Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
last night I used snow as a chaser
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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