I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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