Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
