i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
