it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
