peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The power of my boobs compel you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
