Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
