They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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