I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
