i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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