Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
