I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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