no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
someone owes me an orgasm
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Operation Purity has been aborted
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
