Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
