I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
