I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I lost the right to judge tonight
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize