paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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